Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Five Reasons to Watch More Women's Sports

1. No comment necessary but force your eyes to move from center and check out the dark-skinned fellow who wants our view. Oh, and spot Skersathan.

2. SHOULD be an olympic sport. Guaranteed to boost ratings...among other things.

3. I've seen strippers in this same position. Women's pole vault has my full attention. When are the olympics?

4. This came up when I googled some women's sports. It creeped me out enough to throw it in here for fear that I would be smothered in chicken flavored ramen noodles the next time I'm in asia. Not a way I'd like to die.

5. Baby boiling. Really no relation at all to the title of this entry, but what the hell? The parents are obvious drunks; check out all the booze in the background. I've made some drunk food in my day but never have I thought to cook me up some baby simmered in his own poop sauce. This picture makes me say "awww" and get angry at the same its a good boner-kill to end on.

Hope this satisfies the 10% decrease in bills stroking and 50% increase in snizz.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Memo from the Legal Dept. at "I Bet I Do...Chris"

Hello fellow Bloggers! This is just a quick note from the always pro bono legal department here at the 26th best Buffalo-centered sports blog in the state of Virginia (watch out - we're right on your tail!). As many of you are already aware, one of my favorite sports blogs, WithLeather, was recently featured in a Washington Post article. At issue - the above 18-year-old female athlete (also at issue - can a newspaper article be held legally responsible for forcing me to beat off under my desk at work while on a conference call with a federal judge? Apparently, the answer is no, but I'm not cleaning that mess up!) Now, the point of the WP article was that WithLeather may have gone too far with its sexual ramblings about young Allison - detailing how WithLeather faced possible legal action for the use of her photo (which has since been removed from the site). This got me thinking - what are our legal obligations with this blog? Could the Skaptain file a civil suit for unlicensed use of his likeness? What about for those photos that we took of him after he passed out (all 159 of them)? Does a certain independent film director have a legal action for defamation of his fine underground homoerotic touch-football movie? Should our female ombudsman be held responsible for all those terrible things she writes about Bobby B in her little journal? The answer to all of this is no, so keep up the good work! (Editor's Note: The author of this post is not a licensed attorney and all legal advice is for entertainment purposes only).

The greater point is that we need to learn from WithLeather if this blog is ever going to make it big - we need more photos like above (which, I might add, is still causing me intense cockpain and forced me to write this entire post with my one free hand) and we need more immature things to say about her - especially since she's practically asking for it. She's a POLE VAULTER for God's sake! It's basically a synonym for "Cock Jumping" (which could, and should, be a sport) and is the most phallic sport outside of a hot dog eating contest. We need to be at the forefront of misogynistic sports commentary, which is why I'm currently trying to get those bogus indecent exposure charges expunged from my record so I can go back near the local high school and cover the ample (and supple) female sports scene.

So, in conclusion, I propose a 10% reduction in Buffalo-felating, and a 50% increase in random shots of hot trim. Or we could just keep posting photos of you guys playing pong outside. Either way is OK for me.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Oh what a lovely tea party

(also spot the skers)

Is it football seasons yet? cause I have a BILLS BONER

Memorial Day Smorgousborg

can you spot the Kers?

I’ve been toying with the idea of a Skers related post for some time now but lets face it, that is a very tough thing to do on your own because of the sheer volume of material. I was going to try and explain to the origin/permutations of Skers over the years but unless I devoted an entire weekend and about 7 pots of coffee to it, I couldn’t do it justice. I mean how do you explain Whiskers, Capt. Kers, Kers Man Group, and Namath in one blog posting, it would be like trying to explain String Theory in Cliff notes. And I assure you all those names have been used and have meaning it is just too much to try and explain, so I propose a KSK style draft of Skers nicknames where each pick gets a paragraph explanation.

So all this being said lets get down to what I really came here to do… Laugh derisively at Disney, Gore Verbinski, Johnny Depp, France, and 14 year old girls.


Not that 112 million is anything to scoff at, I just love when a formulaic, dog shit sandwich of a movies fail to accomplish what the movie bosses and their ivory backscratchers set out to do. Hopefully this can save us from POTC: 4-6, which has honest to God been rumored. Now if only the people pumping out the Shreks can get blind sided by a blitzed out of her gourd, Lindsay Lohan. I’d have to really hand it to god if something like that happened, maybe we ARE all part of his plan.

And as for examples of God’s existence, how in the hell does Damon Jones have a job??? I’ve watched a fair amount of Cavilers this season and this guys better wake up every morning and thank somebody that he’s not only employed but rich. I’m firmly convinced that Down Town Bobby Brown could do his job at NBA speed better than him. That isn’t even an exaggeration I seriously believe that and he’d make better decisions with the basketball too. I know for a fact DTBB could go 2-14 on wide open NBA 3’s with like 3-4 turnovers and 0 assists, PAY THAT MAN.

Saturday, May 26, 2007


Senators in 5 - Anaheim was outplayed to the bone by Detroit, but Ottawa's speed and defense will be too much to overcome. I'm saying this with Ray Emery in goal for ottawa, the guy is terrible goaltender. The fearless play of Anton Volchenkov and Chris Phillips spare that jerk off of what he deserves. The Spezza line will ulitimately be the difference in this series, as they have been for the entire playoffs.

Spurs in 6 - I actually think the Pistons will win in 6 but I predicted the Spurs to beat the Bulls in the finals so I will stick with the Spurs by default. I'm jumping ahead of myself by saying these two teams will meet, but lets be realistic, its gonna happen. This series might be the best case scenario for the NHL playoffs. There won't be a soul outside of San Antonio or Detroit that will show any interest in this series. I'd be surprised if either team scored 90 points once in this series. Although Teyshaun vs Bruce could kill each other off, it might be worth a viewing.

Whiskey over Human - umm picture

Motorcycle Rally over Sleep - Motherfuckers woke me up at 7:30am, and have kept me up since, (10:15am now) hence this nonsensical babbling on my part.

Monday, May 21, 2007

With the #1 selection...

The NY Knicks have ZERO chance of seeing the consensus #1 and #2 pick in their uniform for the 2007-2008 season. In fact, there is a better chance that director/producer Peter Katona suits up for Isiah's boys next season. With that said the Knicks have a 1.9% chance of landing the top pick and alas Greg Oden, and a 2.2% chance of landing the 2nd pick, Kevin Durant. But thanks to Eddy Currys strong heartbeat, the knicks will hand over their first round pick to the Chicago Bulls in exchance for Chicago's #1 pick. If the Bulls are able to re-sign Andres Nocioni and lock up Ben Gordon long term, obtaining Oden or Durant would create instant attention and demand double teams which leaves the jumpshooters like the aforementioned Gordon alongside Luol Deng and Captain Kirk Hinrich open to take their jumpers.

With that said, I'll give Isiah his due, the guy can draft. David Lee is a rebounding machine and Renaldo Balkman has been more or less the same player..huh? Yes, Renaldo Balkman turned out to be one of the finer rookies from the 2006 class, despite all of the heat that Isiah took for taking him. Now its time to build around those players and take out the trash that is Starbury, Franchise and Jamal Crawford, draft a SG or PG and prepare to push for the playoffs in 2-3 years. But then again there are guys like Jered Jefferies and Channing Frye getting major playing time...ok fuck it, it's too hard to put a positive spin on the Knicks.

Tomorrow Night is the improbable chance that the Bulls become the force of the East for the next decade and at the the cost of the Knicks. Ahhh Perfect.

Bulls select Spencer Hawes with 9th pick (as long as they dont take Roy Hibbert, that is just begging to be Mike Sweetney all over again, in fact he is 2 cheeseburgers away from wishing he had Eddy Curry's heart, i think knick and bulls fans can agree on that.)
Knicks select Javaris Crittenton with 23rd pick.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Our Team

The Sabres fell in the conference finals just like they did last year, but I see this season as more of a success. The city of Buffalo forced playoff pressure on this team for all 82 games of the regular season, and then an exponential amount of pressure for the postseason once they finsished the regular season with the Presidents trophy. For Lindy and his boys to live up to the unrealistic expectations of a championship starved community for 100 games is a testament to the drive and leadership of this great organization.

The Sabres are almost sure to lose both Mr. I can do Everything (Drury) and also the regular season leader in even strength points (Briere), but through great drafting, player development, and coaching, will undoubtably field another championship threatening team next season. I can only hope that the people of Buffalo see this "failure" of a season as another building block of a dynasty rather than a failed shot at glory. There is too much talent, class, and winning attitude in the communtiy for the window to be closed on a championship for the Buffalo Sabres.

Thank you Chris, Danny, Ryan, Jason, Jochen, Thomas, Derek, Maxim, Brian, Henrik, Toni, Teppo, Ales, Adam, Paul, Jaroslav, Andrew, Dainius, Drew, Tim, Dmitri, Nathan, and Daniel for an unforgettable season.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Dr. Brady Scholls

Hey, I'm no psychic, but tell me the future doesn't have this in store for Dr. Scholls. Sorry Vince, but this is what you have to look forward to with your future broseph-in-law.
(Picture hijacked from

Lineup Changes?

Great win last night. Gaustad made Chris Evert, I mean Neil, his bitch. Goose showed him how to play physical hockey, drew a retaliatory penalty, and basically did what Neil is supposed to do for his team, but with class and skill that Neil could never match. He probably even nailed Chris’s imaginary girlfriend in between the 1st and 2nd period. A quick internet search didn’t come up with any real live girlfriend or wife so the imaginary woman is probably an accurate assumption. (Unless it’s an imaginary man, in which case Goose doesn’t swing that way so forget about the last 2 sentences.)

Game 5:

I wouldn't be surprised if we saw Stafford in the lineup for an injured Zubrus and Paetch in for a benched Kalinin for game 5 on Saturday. "Shortening the bench" as the announcers like calling it worked great in game 4, but if they have to go to an overtime or 3 they would need some fresh legs out there.

Fine writing by Davos the philosopher on his write-up after game 3.

I set up my account on BfloBlog so that if someone clicks on my name when I post they will come to I Bet I do... CHRIS. If some people click on accident we might actually get one or two people we don't know at the site.

Any other predictions/thoughts about potential (or non-existent) lineup changes?

Any input from Yankee fans about what it’s like to be up 3-0 and then lose the series?
(sorry couldn’t resist)

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

"Fuck it, we're going deep"

Those are the words that could be heard being uttered from the Sabres locker room before beginning the Eastern Conference finals with a completely healthy roster. Having no injuries, and knowing they would be facing "Rubber" Ray Emery, the Sabres wanted to do something special. They knew it wouldn't be fair to just go out and roll the Sens in four games, or even five, they wanted to do something that fans would remember for the rest of their lives.
Everything they have done up to this point has set up this situation perfectly. Their supposed inability to generate offense while on the PP has lulled Ottawa into a false sense of security and a willingness to take multiple penalties a game. Now that the Sabres have implemented their strategy of going down 3-0, expect to see the PP erupt and go at least 33% from here on out.

It is also clear that Buffalo has been saving up all their energy by only playing hard in the last few minutes of each game. They will have the extra energy to return to their winning ways and speed around the dumbfounded Senators for the final four games. It was obvious that the Sabres had to put on a little show in game 2 for the fans, coming out and scoring three, I mean two goals in the first period before dragging the game out to 2 OTs and giving the Sens their feel good moment.

Barring only the most recent injury (see Kalinin's 3rd suicide attempt in the last six days), Lindy Ruff will make a roster move that will test the refs knowledge of the NHL rulebook. Look to see Stafford in for Kalinin and Conks in the press box, you heard it here first folks. With the extra space available, a little ball of fire known as Patrick Kaleta will come out on the ice and put Alfredsson through one end of the rink and Heatley through the other.

The final part of the plan will showcase the Sabres ability to score goals at will on yet to be tested Ray Emery. I expect to see no less than 40 shots on net in each of the next four games. With Emery getting cockier with each passing moment the Sabres strategy is fully complete.

So have no fear, Sabres fans, you have to know by now that you should NEVER give up on this team. You may have felt they haven't played to their full potential yet in this series, and you would be right, it is all part of their master plan to earn a spot in the history books. This team WILL win. I don't know if it has been mentioned yet, but remember, this team has Chris Drury who single handedly beat all of Taiwan in the Little League World Series and was subsequently made King of all Taiwan. So, as Chris Drury would say: "與參議員性交,讓去水牛城"

Monday, May 14, 2007

Random stuff

I have to say, my 2 least favorite players in the NBA are easily Bruce Bowen and Tayshaun Prince. Unfortuanately, those 2 pricks are still battling in the playoffs and even more unfortunate is the strong chance that their respective teams will meet in the NBA finals, for another uneventful, low scoring defensive yawn fest. Bruce Bowen is the worst, his alleged shut down defense is actually disguised as dirty rotten play. Next Year will be the year that he gets clocked in the face for his pesty, illegal play.
Fist to the face odds.
Ron Artest 2:1 - Has a history of violence on and off the court, oh you didnt know?
Kobe Bryant 3:1 - Kobe's reputation and competitive killer instinct make him the primary candidate.
Stephen Jackson 4:1 - Do I have to explain? Could happen this year if Spurs and Warriors advance to conference finals.
Josh Howard 10:1 - He always has a "I ain't never scared" look to him, ultra competitive player.
Carmelo Anthony 50:1 - He already got his fist to Mardy Collins face, which was delightful. Absolutely capable.
Luol Deng 200:1 - Winner of the sportsmanship award, he has fists just like the rest of us.
As for Tayshaun, I just hate his stupid face, he's always complaining like he has superstar status, but thats all of the Pistons starters act, but his doucheyness stands out above the others.
As for the Sabres, I feel very strongly that they will win tonight. What they were able to do at the beginning of game 2 and play that desperate hockey is exactly what I expected. It amazed me that they werent able to keep up that level of play and again relyed on incredible 6 on 5 play to send the game to OT. This is a team that plays best with their backs against the wall, and it may even be a good thing that they are down 2-0. If they come to play for 60 minutes tonight, they will win without any of us suffering cardiac arrest.
Final Score: Sabres 5-3

Friday, May 11, 2007

Let the RUTH be told.

Time to give this guy the Weeksment.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Fight Club - Lou fight

Probably my favorite scene from one of my favorite movies. Thanks, Lou.

Jim Rome

Inspiration for blog title

Monday, May 7, 2007

More Reasons to Hate NYC

-Going out of town, being asked where you're from, saying "New York," and the person who asks you follows up with a question based on the automatic assumption that you meant NYC

-The YANKEES and their "team" *cough* collection of individuals

-It's sucking-dry of Western NY tax dollars

-And the d-bag who gave me a parking ticket today is probably from there

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Reasons Why I Hate New York

1.) Irrational sense of entitlement.
2.) Relocated New Yorkers referring to their home as "The City," as if no other city matters.
3.) All of the 'bros' and 'dudes' from L.I.
4.) Woody Allen and Spike Lee
5.) unconscionable defense of one of the worst subway systems (which a certain hot shot lawyer has urinated in)
6.) The Director of '4th and goal' resides there.
7.) Rucker park hasn't produced a solid baller in years.
8.) Roger Clemens is a huge d-bag.
9.) same goes for Jeremy Shockey.
10.) and Jaromir Jagr.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Sabres I’d LEAST Like to Fight.

Disclaimer before we get started, Andrew Peters doesn’t make the list for 2 reasons. First he is on the roster for one reason, to be the enforcer and has no real other tangible hockey skill. Second he doesn’t fight angry, he goes out and does his job, I love the guy for it and understand his place but he doesn’t get on the list.

1.) Adam Mair – Let’s face it… this guy is pretty fucking angry. He has the scariest quality in any real fighter, pure, raw hate. He isn’t the biggest guy and doesn’t even win that many fights but he backs down from no one. I’m fairly sure he’s fight a rodeo bull if he was mad enough, or a great white shark in shallow water if he didn’t like the way it was looking at him.
1.) Paul Gaustad – ALSO coming in at number 1, and it is basically for the same reasons as Adam Mair. I’m not sure if you can distinguish which one is angrier than the other but I DID want to have “Paul Gaustad Hates YOU!!” t-shirts made up sooner or later.
2.) Maxim Afinogenov – I don’t think he has any real fighting skills or size or anything to be traditionally afraid of… but remember the part in Happy Gilmore when he talks about being the only guy to ever take his skate off and try and stab somebody during a game??? If you got into a fight with Max I can’t say for certain he wouldn’t try it. He may not be the most dangerous fighter but if you tangle with the mad Russian you take the chance of beating his ass or getting a career ending injury.
3.) Ryan Miller – Never seen him fight, don’t want to see him fight but he is the craziest mother fucker in the room and I really wouldn’t want to test that kind of rage. Kind of like picking a fight with an Asian guy… might be easy, quick, and painless. OR he is some sort of martial arts genius with retard strength and BAM you’re half a man for the rest of your life.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Rangers in Seven


Seriously, bro...bro...bro, listen. Bro, the Rangers got this series down cold. You Sabres homos got lucky with that overtime bullshit. That shit wouldn't work back in the and my badass bros (you know, there's Tony, Anthony, Antonio, Tony Jr., Antoine, and Lil' Tone) wouldn't stand for it. Jagr is on fire, Shanny is the man, and Ryan Miller is a fudgepacker. New York Rules! Shout out to Staten Island! Their the greatest!